So I work in a nursing home as a speech therapist, and a large part of my day is talking to adorable little old men and ladies who are either quite demented or just unabashed to be old and crazy. I jot down some of the funny comments and stories they tell me and want to share them with the world.


Ms. McGuffee: I'm hungry for the first time in I don't know when. It's like having a baby. You have one and then for some reason you want another one right away.


Ms. Revis: When I say ahem, some pee comes out.

Sent from my iPhone


Ms. Miller: When God dips his love in my heart
Makes laugh makes me cry
He set my simple soul on fire


Ms. Vaughn: You can't swing a cat in that room without eating cat hair.
Me: How did your meeting go?
Ms. Vaughn: We won everything there in that meeting and it made me happy as shit.


Ms. H: Are you pregnant?
Me: Yes.
Ms. H: Whatcha gonna name it?
Me: I don't know yet.
Ms. H: Name it Imogene. (Her first name)
Me: Well, it's a boy.
Ms. H: Name him Sir Galahad.


Mr. F: Five million dollars.
Me: Five million?
Mr. F: Yes, five million dollars. You can buy three cans of butter beans with that.


Me: Your church sent you a flier.
Ms. Ruggles: They had a fire?
Me: They sent you a flier.
Ms. Ruggles: They had a choir?
Me: They sent you a FLIER.
Ms. Ruggles: I'm not a liar.
Me: They sent you a newsletter.


Ms. Hancock: I thought she was fussing at me for mocking that man across the hall. He yells hello and I yell back and it makes him shut up for a minute. Gives my ears a break. I can yell as loud as he can.

Ms. Hancock: How can you tell if you're done with your paperwork?
Me: Sometimes I can't tell.

Sent from my iPhone


Ms. Hancock: When those people [telmarketers] call I just listen to them a while then I tell them I'm sick and I gotta go and it's true, I am sick of them!


Ms. Higdon: I been kinda twigldy since I been sick.

Sent from my iPhone


Ms. Mueller: I gotta pee. Trickle trickle like a pickle.


Me: Hi.
Mr. Cates: SINK!!!!


Ms. Ingle: I need to lower my face a little. It's making me drunk.


Ms. Wright: (Rolls into another patients room, eating a cookie and drinking a cup of water to tell me) Hey! I'm being kidnapped. Call the po-lice.

Me: Who is your favorite therapist?
Ms. Ingram: I don't know what a therapist is but I'm sure that you're not my favorite.


Ms. Ingram: I don't need to lose weight. I'm big at fat now.


Ms. Ingle: Are you making that noise with your mouth?
Me: No, I'm blowing my nose.
Ms. Ingle: Well it's not an exciting noise so stop it.


Me: That girl is walking over there.
Ms. Ingram: She's crawling or cussing or smacking her butt.

Ms. Ingram: I want to get with that long tall guy with some food. We could share it.


Me: Hi, Ms. Hall, how are you feeling?
Ms. Hall: Dead.


Ms. Buchanan: My kids like to play in the toilet. My youngest girl, she was so little you had to watch her or she would just flush down the toilet like a big turd.

Sent from my iPhone


Ms. Douthard: Sometimes when I eat chicken, it's not chicken.

Ms. Douthard: Everything is stretching out. I'm stretching out.


Ms. Lord: My husband was here the other day. Walking up and down the hall and being extremely nosey.


Ms. Irwin: I'm feeling a little crazy today.


Mr. Jones: Pauline's dog even takes pills. Yes, he took some of mine. Just snapped them up and didn't even take any water with them.


Me: Why are are you at this nursing home? What did you break?
Mr. Jones: A little Mexican girl's heart.
(He broke his arm.)

Ms. Barker: That little girl pushed me around so I slapped the shit out of her.

Ms. Irwin: You are dressed up so nice and fancy. Some people would say it's tacky but I don't.

Mr. McCurry: You look nice. You look like a reall good tan dude.


Ms. Irwin: (Pointing to a large woman.) is that woman pregnant or just fat?