So I work in a nursing home as a speech therapist, and a large part of my day is talking to adorable little old men and ladies who are either quite demented or just unabashed to be old and crazy. I jot down some of the funny comments and stories they tell me and want to share them with the world.


01/06/17

Ms. McGuffee: I'm hungry for the first time in I don't know when. It's like having a baby. You have one and then for some reason you want another one right away.

04/30/16

Ms. Revis: When I say ahem, some pee comes out.

Sent from my iPhone

01/08/16

Ms. Miller: When God dips his love in my heart
Makes laugh makes me cry
He set my simple soul on fire

08/25/15

Ms. Vaughn: You can't swing a cat in that room without eating cat hair.
Me: How did your meeting go?
Ms. Vaughn: We won everything there in that meeting and it made me happy as shit.

04/22/14

Ms. H: Are you pregnant?
Me: Yes.
Ms. H: Whatcha gonna name it?
Me: I don't know yet.
Ms. H: Name it Imogene. (Her first name)
Me: Well, it's a boy.
Ms. H: Name him Sir Galahad.

09/05/13

Mr. F: Five million dollars.
Me: Five million?
Mr. F: Yes, five million dollars. You can buy three cans of butter beans with that.

07/16/13

Me: Your church sent you a flier.
Ms. Ruggles: They had a fire?
Me: They sent you a flier.
Ms. Ruggles: They had a choir?
Me: They sent you a FLIER.
Ms. Ruggles: I'm not a liar.
Me: They sent you a newsletter.

06/06/13

Ms. Hancock: I thought she was fussing at me for mocking that man across the hall. He yells hello and I yell back and it makes him shut up for a minute. Gives my ears a break. I can yell as loud as he can.

Ms. Hancock: How can you tell if you're done with your paperwork?
Me: Sometimes I can't tell.

Sent from my iPhone

06/05/13

Ms. Hancock: When those people [telmarketers] call I just listen to them a while then I tell them I'm sick and I gotta go and it's true, I am sick of them!

05/18/13

Ms. Higdon: I been kinda twigldy since I been sick.

Sent from my iPhone

10/09/12

Ms. Mueller: I gotta pee. Trickle trickle like a pickle.

09/12/12

Me: Hi.
Mr. Cates: SINK!!!!

05/30/12

Ms. Ingle: I need to lower my face a little. It's making me drunk.

05/24/12

Ms. Wright: (Rolls into another patients room, eating a cookie and drinking a cup of water to tell me) Hey! I'm being kidnapped. Call the po-lice.


Me: Who is your favorite therapist?
Ms. Ingram: I don't know what a therapist is but I'm sure that you're not my favorite.

05/17/12

Ms. Ingram: I don't need to lose weight. I'm big at fat now.

04/27/12

Ms. Ingle: Are you making that noise with your mouth?
Me: No, I'm blowing my nose.
Ms. Ingle: Well it's not an exciting noise so stop it.

04/10/12

Me: That girl is walking over there.
Ms. Ingram: She's crawling or cussing or smacking her butt.

Ms. Ingram: I want to get with that long tall guy with some food. We could share it.

02/27/12

Me: Hi, Ms. Hall, how are you feeling?
Ms. Hall: Dead.

02/21/20

Ms. Buchanan: My kids like to play in the toilet. My youngest girl, she was so little you had to watch her or she would just flush down the toilet like a big turd.

Sent from my iPhone

02/20/12

Ms. Douthard: Sometimes when I eat chicken, it's not chicken.

Ms. Douthard: Everything is stretching out. I'm stretching out.

12/29/11

Ms. Lord: My husband was here the other day. Walking up and down the hall and being extremely nosey.

11/02/11

Ms. Irwin: I'm feeling a little crazy today.

10/21/11

Mr. Jones: Pauline's dog even takes pills. Yes, he took some of mine. Just snapped them up and didn't even take any water with them.

10/11/11

Me: Why are are you at this nursing home? What did you break?
Mr. Jones: A little Mexican girl's heart.
(He broke his arm.)

Ms. Barker: That little girl pushed me around so I slapped the shit out of her.

Ms. Irwin: You are dressed up so nice and fancy. Some people would say it's tacky but I don't.

Mr. McCurry: You look nice. You look like a reall good tan dude.

10/06/11

Ms. Irwin: (Pointing to a large woman.) is that woman pregnant or just fat?

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