So I work in a nursing home as a speech therapist, and a large part of my day is talking to adorable little old men and ladies who are either quite demented or just unabashed to be old and crazy. I jot down some of the funny comments and stories they tell me and want to share them with the world.

Comedy gold on March 3rd

Ms. Erwin: Well, when more eat, the better it gets!

Ms. Erwin: [about her husband] He was a nice man, but I was not a nice woman!

Ms. Erwin: [about her joining the Navy WAVEs and having 4 sisters] My mother didn't want me to go but I wanted to go. There were no boys in the family, why shouldn't I go?

Ms. Erwin: We had a car and I used it, but I wouldn't now if my head would go away.

Ms. Erwin: [not able to recall her own first name] What was my name? Because it was kinda tacky.

Ms. Erwin: I don't remember but he'll be real white and sweet.

Ms. Erwin: My mother she acted like she was bigger than she really was.

Ms. Erwin: I'm ashamed of being you, too!

Ms. Erwin: [about a rather large woman she viewed in the hallway] There she is, that big one. Did you see her? She's big like this [shows me with her hands] I was nice and all but I guess if you have to eat, you have to eat - but I wouldn't! The fattest man I'd ever seen! If I had a child [like that] I'd have switched 'em! [spanked with a switch]

Ms. Erwin: If I here, I'll be there!

Mr. Oldham: That gal in calisthenics [physical therapy], I call her tippy toes. She laugh like she half goofy.

Mr. Oldham: I used to go to the gymnasium. I'd walk in east Birmingham, 4 or 5 miles to the Boy's Club and the first thing I'd do is run in and punch the bag, try to knock it off it's hinges. I couldn't ever do it though.

Mr. Oldham: Me and my brother was fussing around one night. He was a lot bigger than me. He hurt me and made me mad, so I took a knife out of my pocket and said I'll cut your arm off! He came over and took it away from me. When he turned around, and I had another one in my hand - I had 5 knives in my pocket! He took every one away from me. It tickled me though.

Mr. Oldham: My momma told me to do something and as soon as she got out of sight, I did too. As soon as I was out of sight, she started hollerin' but I didn't come back. And when I did come back, she told me to get a switch. I took my knife and cut a limb off a tree. You can get a lot of switches off a limb but only one limb off switches. I thought if I brought her a big stick she wouldn't be able to lift it to hit me. But it just made her madder!